“Men used to go to war for us and now we can’t even get a man to let us sit down on the train.”
That was the caption of a viral TikTok posted last month. That video alone received 1.3 million likes. But it was only one part of a larger social media movement poking fun at modern men for lacking traditional manners or respect towards women.
In the post’s comments, a common phrase was repeated:
“Chivalry is dead.”
I hear those three words come up often, usually sarcastically, when I hold the door open for my roommate or carry my girlfriend’s grocery bag. But what is it about chivalry that has millions of people mourning it on TikTok? And is it truly six feet under like everyone says?
When you’re eulogizing something, it’s important to include its history. I talked to American medievalist and professor Dr. Barbara Newman about where the term originated.
[SOUND: swords clashing and medieval music]
According to Newman, chivalry was the code of conduct in warfare for medieval knights.
BARBARA NEWMAN: The reason it got extended to relationships is that, in courtly romances, knights are usually presented as the lovers of ladies, so a chivalrous knight is not only somebody who’s good on the battlefield, but also someone who has good manners in court.
Although Newman said the original ideals of chivalry died off alongside the knights who championed it, it lives on in popular culture.
NEWMAN: That kind of chivalry is probably dead, and yet it’s still popular in films. In terms of literary fantasy, I think it’s just too good to lose. I think we’re always gonna have it with us.
Newman also said that modern notions of chivalry–and its feminist criticisms–are a far departure from the shining armor.
NEWMAN: If you look at chivalric literature from the standpoint of modern feminism, of course you’re going to see that it’s something different, and you’re going to say, well, the woman is simply the prize that the hero gets for being the best fighter, but it’s not really fair to impose modern standards on the past in that way.
Since the Middle Ages, views on chivalry and gender roles have definitely shifted. And after more than 10 centuries of progress, I wanted to know how modern feminism grapples with the idea of chivalry.
Dr. Rebecca Ewert, who studies masculinity in sociology, says chivalry isn’t dead. Sometimes, it’s just a way of flirting and showing respect in courtship. However, she said it can often have different implications in modern society, even when it’s as simple as holding open the door.
REBECCA EWERT: The thing with chivalry is it sets up a system in which women are framed as weaker and men can be the saviors. And so they’re holding the door under the assumption that a woman’s too weak to get the door.
Even under the guise of good manners, Ewert said chivalry isn’t always about being gentlemanly. Rather, it is another way of perpetuating gender inequality. She also said that men calling these displays of dominance “chivalry” make it harder for women to protest them.
EWERT: The power of words is so interesting. Perhaps it’s harder to criticize a behavior that someone’s saying is chivalry because that connotes this respect or this deference kind of gentleness thing we’ve been talking about. And so to say to somebody, I don’t want you to hold the door for me, it feels disrespectful to that person. And so it’s calling it chivalry versus calling it benevolent sexism.
Although relationship coach Shona Moeller agrees that chivalry can be rooted in male dominance, she said it’s changing by the day.
SHONA MOELLER: I think the old idea of chivalry is dead.
Moeller, who has been a relationship coach for six years, said that she has noticed the men in her life lean into a “softer masculine presence.” But it’s a change that she says must be fully embraced for it to work. This idea was shaped in part by an experience with her husband in 2020.
MOELLER: During the pandemic, I was up in a hospital room with my son–my water broke at 20 weeks–and my husband came almost every day outside my window.
Their story went viral.
MOELLER: The comments from men in the sections where he was out there with a sign devoted to me in the most chivalrous way, a lot of the men were saying, oh, he’s, you know, he’s p-whipped or, you know, he’s who the heck does he think he is?
I think the power imbalances that come from the old idea of chivalry, I think the performative aspect, is dead, dying, flailing, trying to survive.
Moeller said that the more men who publicly adopt this new form of chivalry, the more it will start to spread.
MOELLER: We’re like starting to root down into the idea that chivalry can be an act of love, remembering, devotion.
So…is chivalry dead? For a term with so many different histories, definitions, and perspectives, I’m not sure it’s possible to pin one definition down long enough to call the coroner.
But whether you’re stomping on its grave or being visited by the ghosts of knights past, recognizing the historical and social impacts of chivalry can help us analyze the way we give and receive acts of kindness and respect…or at least help you understand the TikTok comments.
From Evanston, I’m Juliet Allan, WNUR News
