“I Vant to Suck Your Blood” – Nic Cage Probably

[rock music plays and Nicolas Cage yells]

DON’T WORRY, IT’S JUST NICOLAS CAGE—THE ICON HIMSELF. AN ACTOR RENOWN FOR HIS SOMEWHAT ODD OR EXAGGERATED PERFORMANCES, CAGE NEVER FAILS TO ENTERTAIN. HIS MOST RECENT FILM, RENFIELD, WAS NO EXCEPTION.

RENFIELD STARS NICHOLAS HOULT—IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MENU, I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU GO WATCH IT. IT’S FANTASTIC—AND CO-STARS NICOLAS CAGE. HOULT LEADS AS RENFIELD, CAGE’S DRACULA’S LOYAL ASSISTANT WHO STARTS TO IMAGINE AN INDEPENDENT LIFE OF HIS OWN FAR FROM HIS MASTER’S CLUTCHES. AS ONE MIGHT EXPECT, DRACULA ISN’T TOO HAPPY WITH HIS ASSISTANT’S NEWFOUND DESIRE TO LEAVE. THE MOVIE BRINGS TO THIS STORY COMEDY WITH A SIDE OF GORE AND ACTION. AS A MOVIE-LOVER AND NICOLAS CAGE AFICIONADO, I WENT AND WATCHED IT AS SOON AS I COULD.

[music plays]

I LEFT THE THEATER THOROUGHLY SATISFIED WITH CAGE’S PERFORMANCE. HOULT WAS WONDERFUL AS WELL. I FLAGGED DOWN SOME FELLOW MOVIE-GOERS FOR THEIR OPINIONS.

[Ellie] Um, I’m Ellie, and I love Nicolas Cage and every movie he’s been in. It was a very Nicolas Cage movie: it was terrible but very enjoyable to watch.

[Iris] Hello, my name is Iris. It was real kitschy and very…there wasn’t a lot of surprise to it, but it was a fun time.

RENFIELD WAS, IN FACT, A BIT ALL OVER THE PLACE. I ASKED THEM TO TRY AND CONNECT IT TO A GENRE. 

[Ellie] Like horror comedy?

[Iris] Like a self-help parody almost.

A HORROR COMEDY SELF-HELP PARODY. THE LETTERBOXD REVIEWS ARE EVEN BETTER. ONE USER, TYLER, SAID “NIC CAGE COULD DO TWILIGHT BUT ROBERT PATTINSON COULDN’T DO RENFIELD.” ANOTHER, REECE, STATED “I GENUINELY HAVE NO CLUE WHO THE INTENDED AUDIENCE OF THIS MOVIE IS.” AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, USER HILYELO WROTE “NICOLAS CAGE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT HE WAS FILMING, HE’S JUST DOING WHAT HE DOES EVERY DAY.” WITHOUT SPOILING TOO MUCH, I’LL TELL YOU SOME OF THE FUN PLOT POINTS. RENFIELD, WHO POSSESSES POWERS SIMILAR TO THOSE OF DRACULA, IS IN A DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP SUPPORT GROUP. BEN SCHWARTZ APPEARS AS THE OVERCONFIDENT SON OF A CRIME FAMILY QUEEN. AWKWAFINA PLAYS A COP TRYING TO LIVE UP TO HER FATHER’S LEGACY. FOR SOME REASON, THERE ARE REPEATED REFERENCES TO SKA MUSIC. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, NICOLAS CAGE PLAYS A FANTASTIC DRACULA. HE’S SASSY, HE’S EVIL, AND HE’S AS UNHINGED AS EVER. 

[music plays]

[Ellie] My favorite movie he’s done recently is Wally’s World* because it’s kind of like a Five Nights at Freddy’s ripoff and he literally doesn’t talk through the whole movie. I think he’s really cashed in on his persona and he’s got it down to a T. He can just live the rest of his life being his true self.

[Iris] I really…I was a big fan of Wally’s World* as well as…I think it was The Unbearable Weight of Immense Talent or something. It was such a fun time, love Pedro Pascal as well, and they played off each other really well in my opinion. Also just a big fan of his work.

THE MAN DOES PLAY TO HIS PERSONA—THE “IDEA” OF NICOLAS CAGE. 

[more Nicolas Cage yelling]

THERE IS TRULY SOMETHING INDESCRIBABLE ABOUT NICOLAS CAGE. REGARDLESS OF THE SCRIPT, THE CINEMATOGRAPHY, OR JUST GENERAL QUALITY, HIS PRESENCE ALONE MAKES A MOVIE WORTH GOING TO. 

[Renfield clip and music play]

RENFIELD IS PLAYING IN THEATERS NOW, GIVE IT A WATCH! GO FOR NICOLAS CAGE! FOR WNUR NEWS, I’M MAX MILO.

[music fades out]

Music from soundcloud.com

Strawberry Candy – “Dirty Drive”

*reference to 2021 movie Willy’s Wonderland